Islay
Islay, pronounced Eyelay (or in the Scottish Garlic variety — no, not the clove, the language — Ìle, pronounced Ill) is a western remote island in western maritime Scotland, United Kingdom. It is 25 miles north of Northern Ireland, a foreign country in the EU that has more Catholics than it likes to let on.
The capital is Laphroaig, most famous for its whisky distillery, but it also has a distinctive, round Parish Church, which punishes its sinners by telling them to "stand in the corner." Its main port is Port Ellen. Neither of these are cities, get it? Islay doesn't have cities. It is remote and idyllic. It is the 5th biggest island in Scotland.
There is ample evidence of prehistoric Islay, which everyone is ignoring because otherwise it would no longer be prehistoric. The island joined the Gaelic Kingdom of Dál Aloo because of its curry houses, before being absorbed into the Norse Kingdom. The medieval period marked a "cultural high point," or in other words it has been downhill ever since. During the 17th century, improvements to agriculture and transport led to a rising population, which peaked in the mid-19th century when reports came in that there was a "mainland."
Today, 3,000 people live on Islay. The main commercial activites are whiskey brewing, whiskey consumption, and tourists who come to watch the locals brew it and chug it down. Locals are allowed to brew their own moonshine, but tourists and foreigners must get a license before brewing their own. Moonshine burns your guts, destroys your tongue, and goes up your nose like horseradish. Anyone who doesn’t have a license will be punished by being forced to consume the same.
Scottish Garlic is the language spoken by most locals. However, tourists find it difficult to communicate even the simplest sentence. Although locals speak basic English, the SNP strongly discourages English, as they want Islay to be a pure Scotch island.
The equivalent to Postman Pat on Islay is called Postman Peat. In this feature, Peat is a peaty man who drinks whisky everyday. The show airs only in Scottish Garlic; the English version got banned in 2015 and all copies were destroyed. Peat lives in Uainedale, a town famous for the distilling and drinking of urine. In one episode, Peat attends the urine festival and distills his own urine whisky.
Where Islay got its name[edit]
Islay was recorded from epilepsy, a condition where people had seizures from moonshine drinking. Later names included Epilepislay and Illea.
Climate[edit]
Islay is a cold and rainy island for most of the year. Snow falls from October to March constantly. From April to September, rain regularly falls with sunshine between June to August. Thunderstorms never occur but sometimes waterspout tornadoes occur, but they're very weak compared to mainland Europe and America. Unfortunately windstorms are extremely popular between November and February.
Whisky culture[edit]
The birthplace of moonshine and strong whisky, Islay's headquarters are in Laphroaig. Laphroaig is very strong but nowhere near as moonshine. Currently, two types exist, the 10-year one and the quarter cask. Most locals opt for the 40% 10-year one. The 48% one isn't sold in public shops or pubs, you have to go to a special privatised liquor store or the distillery to get it. Other whiskies include Ardbegging You, Lagervulin, Bowmore, Bruichladdich, Gaol La, Bunnyhabhain and Ardontknow. Islay whisky is very strong, pungent, smoky, peaty and oily. Moonshine is distilled underground in Laphroaig distillery. You have to have special ID to purchase if you're not Scottish. Scotch people get it without worrying about ID.
Capital of birds[edit]
Islay also has a bird sanctuary in Bruichladdich. For locals, it is £1.50 for entry, while tourists pay £4.00 which pisses them right off!